My friend Mark and I were walking from our room on Harrow Road, southeast down Portobello Street Market, then diagonally across Kensington Gardens. The former was underwhelming, but the latter was lovely-an oasis within the bustle of London. Our goal was the Victoria and Albert Museum (the V&A). On the south side of Kensington Gardens, I stumbled across one of the strangest public works I have ever encountered: the Albert Memorial. In this Age of Reconsidering Monuments, this is definitely one that should be preserved. Future generations should be able to stand there and wonder, as did I, “What were they thinking.”
As we approached from the north—the backside of the monument—my first impression was of Prince Albert’s golden arse. The main monument rests upon a Greco-Roman foundational frieze. This supports what appears to be an immense Siamese temple, protecting a stature of Prince Albert himself, presented as some sort of Golden Buddha. The artwork on the temple reminds me of bad 19th-century Russian iconography (and my Orthodox confrères will know exactly what I am talking about.) As I was standing there, jaw agape, Mark said, “Did you see the gargoyles?” Of course it has gargoyles—what neo-classical, Russo-Siamese golden shrine would not have gargoyles?
But the real interest was the four statuary vignettes meant to depict the glories of the British Empire, one at each corner of the base. The imagery was not exactly subtle. The Northeast corner represented the British Empire in the Middle East. Britannia sat upon a kneeling camel, surrounded by an Arab sage, and a couple of naked languid youths. Think Queen Zenobia as imagined by Bouguereau. The Southeast corner represented the British Raj, with a bare-breasted Britannia astride an elephant, flanked by a Mogul, an Afghan, and a Chinese man, among others. The Southwest corner represented Europe, with a crowned Britannia riding a bull, flanked by three Graces. Finally, the Northwest corner depicted Britannia in the Americas, astride a buffalo (yes), and flanked by romantic British interpretations of the Nobel Redman.
I know of no more celebratory monument to British Imperialism. But there is a glaring hole in the marble narrative. For only four continents are depicted, completely omitting Australia? I have given this a good bit of thought, and have an idea for reconstructing the square foundation into a polygon. In this way, the British Empire, upon which the sun never set, could be broadened to include British Australia.
Down Under being what it is, I expect that this vignette would be somewhat earthy. So I imagine a bare-breasted Britannia, with one arm draped over the shoulder of a kangeroo. A naked Aborigine, spear in hand, stands to one side. And slightly to the read, a Mate, stripped to the waist, is seen buggering a ewe sheep.